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Recovery From Addictions by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Just about everyone in
our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many
forms:
SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS:
addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds,
caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar,
carbohydrates.
PROCESS ADDICTIONS:
addiction to love, connection, caretaking, anger, resistance,
withdrawal, and to activities such as:
• TV
• Computer/internet • Busyness • Gossiping • Sports • Exercise • Sleep • Work • Making money • Spending money • Gambling • Sex, masturbation, pornography • Shopping • Accumulating things • Worry • Obsessive thinking (ruminating) • Self-criticism • Talking a lot • Talking on the telephone a lot • Reading • Gathering information (if only I know enough I will feel safe) • Meditation • Religion • Crime • Danger • Cutting themselves • Glamour, beautifying We can use anything as
a way of avoiding feelings and avoiding taking responsibility for
our painful feelings. Whenever we engage in an activity with the
intention of avoiding our feelings, we are using that activity as
an addiction. We can watch TV to relax and enjoy our favorite
programs, or we can watch TV to avoid our feelings. We can meditate
to connect with Spirit and center ourselves, or we can meditate to
bliss out and avoid responsibility for our feelings. We can read to
enjoy and learn, or read to escape. Anything can be an addiction,
depending upon our intention.
For example, when your
intention is to take loving care of yourself and your work is
something you really enjoy, then working is not being used as an
addiction. But when the intent is to get approval or avoid painful
feelings, then work is being used as an addiction. The same is true
for most of the above behaviors – they can be addictions or not,
depending upon your intent.
All of us have a
wounded part of us – our wounded self or ego self – that has been
programmed with many false beliefs through our growing-up years.
There are four common false beliefs that underlie most
addictions:
1. I can’t handle my
pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are my source of love. 4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. I CAN’T HANDLE MY
PAIN
While this was true
when we were small, it is not true as adults, yet many people
operate as if it is true. When you believe that you are incapable
of handling pain – especially the deep pain of loneliness and
helplessness – then you will find many addictive ways to avoid
feeling your pain. All of us are capable of learning how to manage
painful feelings in ways that support our highest good, rather
behaving in addictive ways that hurt us.
Anything you do to
avoid taking responsibility for managing your pain is
self-abandonment, which creates even more pain - the deep pain of
aloneness. Whether you abandon yourself to substances, processes or
people, your inner child – which is your feeling self - will feel
abandoned by your choice to avoid responsibility for your feelings.
If you had an actual child who was in pain, and you got drunk
instead of being there for that child, he or she would be in even
more pain from the abandonment. It is exactly the same on the inner
level. Addictive behavior is an abandonment of self and causes the
very pain you are trying to avoid.
I AM UNWORTHY AND
UNLOVABLE
When you did not
receive the love you needed as a small child, you might have
concluded that the reason you were not loved was because you were
bad, flawed, defective, unworthy, unlovable, or unimportant. This
is core shame – the false belief that there is essentially
something wrong with you. When you adopt this belief, you become
cut off from your Source, believing that you are unworthy of being
loved by a Higher Power.
OTHERS ARE MY SOURCE OF
LOVE
You will become
addicted to attention, approval, love, sex, or connection when you
believe that another person needs to be your dependable source of
love. In this case, you will be abandoning your inner child to
another person, which causes as much pain as abandoning yourself to
a substance. Until you learn to tap into a Higher Power as your
source of love, you will continue to be addicted to people as your
source of love.
I CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER
HOW OTHERS FEEL ABOUT ME AND TREAT ME
If you believe you can
control others’ feelings and behavior, you will become addicted to
various ways of trying to control, such as anger, judgment, blame,
or people-pleasing. When you believe you can’t handle your pain and
that others are your source of love, then you want control over
getting that love. This is the cause of the codependency that
underlies most relationship problems.
There is a way to heal
from addictions. The rest of the articles in this series will
address the process of recovery from
addictions.
About The Author
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